I’m Learning: Seven

I hate packing. I hate leaving. I hate getting used to something and then leaving. I hate the thought of doing something I’ve been doing regularly for the last time. I hate that one last shower, or that one last time walking in through that gate, or that one last dinner at their house, or the one last afternoon of cards and coffee, or that one last time turning out the light.

I’m a sucker for nostalgia. I’m a pack rat for this reason. I don’t want to say goodbye forever. So I keep a receipt, a photo, a ticket, a napkin, a piece of a pizza box to remember- remember that moment, remember that feeling, remember you.

But the thing is, no receipt or photo or ticket or napkin or piece of a pizza box can bring that moment back in full. It happened and it was beautiful or funny or random or awkward or absolutely fantastic. And the thought may bring a smile to my face or a well of tears to my eyes, but if I hold on too long to that thought I may miss something as beautiful or funny or random or awkward or absolutely fantastic in the moment I’m hung up on my thoughts of the past.

And so I move along… This moment. This moment is what’s real, what’s happening, and it’s beautiful. And tonight I pack to Castledoor:

Think it over
Think it through
Then you’ve got to let it go
Think it over
Okay time’s up, go
You’ve got to let it go

I’m Learning: Six

Dear Me(mory),

You can be easily irritated. Sometimes there’s no reason and you just need to take a break, breathe in, and find the beatuy in and around you. Other days, you have a sort of excuse, those few days that are fairly exclusive to women. Do I get to excuse myself for being more irritable and sensitive? Does the “get over it” method still apply?

Today was the last of the “field trip” days. Tomorrow we take a quiz at 8:20am then write an essay due at 6. Then, it’s finished. We went to Dublin Castle (again, as I went last year) and awkwardly walked around the old Parliament building which is now a bank. We toured Kilmainham Jail and went our separate ways for lunch. We spent an hour getting to a cementary, which really seemed pointless to visit. However, it wasn’t totally a waste.

Somewhere between Indian food and reading the article for the quiz I started feeling cranky. I found the Cadbury shots that I had been wanting, and that is making me feel better/worse.

What am I learning?
You’re you wherever you are. We’re all changing and over time our different experiences change us and shape us. But there’s still that you, that part of you that is only yours and no one else’s. That voice, that smile, those eyes, that word spoken just then. You may see this as good or bad, depending on who you are on how you see yourself. It’s not always bad. Don’t lose that uniqueness in order to become a false idea someone else.

Some days I want Leo Buscaglia’s voice on my iPod and just have it going all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opGlp1pE59s

Tonight I don’t want to read the article for the essay I have to write. Right now I want to have already taken a warm shower. I want to lay in bed, eating these Cadbury chocolates, watching Grey’s Anatomy until I fall asleep.

Tonight is not that night.
Such is life. And life, it is good.

I’m Learning: Five

Dear Memory,

It was a good weekend. After such a great Friday it was hard for things to go up, but I must say, things were still good.

Saturday I slept in. Sleeping in is wonderful, isn’t it? We didn’t have any set plans so we headed into the city. Dawson St has a fantastic Costa Coffee location and several good bookstores. We read most of our article for Monday while at Costa. There was also a pretty cute man sitting near us. He had a bit of a buzz cutt but with intense and fantastic features as he had, it was good. Sort of like a Zidane. I did some shopping at Avoca, I really like that place. I bought a few great things which I’m pretty excited about.

For dinner we decided to go to Irie Cafe. Last year we also went to Irie’s Temple Bar location and I had French toast. As I sometimes am, I was in a grouchy mood and not happy about the thickness of the eggs on my French toast. The French toast I had known was sweet and you could barely tell eggs were involved. But this French toast practically had scrambled eggs stuck to it. After I got over being angry that the French toast wasn’t what I was used to, I loved it. I mean, I loved it so much I’ve been wanting it ever since. However, I was allured by the wrap and hot chips combo. I love hot chips. I’ll just have to go back to Irie this week, that’s all.

In a moment of not wanting to make a decision and forcing Danielle to, we decided to be irresponsible with our money and see another movie. It was 6 and The Hangover was playing at 6:20 on O’Connell St. Perfect. We grabbed a water and some chocolates on the way. The Hangover was actually not as vulgar as I expected. The “ruh-tard” moment was fantastic. I was craking up for most of it.

We also enjoyed a very entertaining bus stop wait. Across the street we watched some people get into a fight. Then in the Burger King behind us we heard constant loud screams, somewhat lighthearted, but screams and yells nontheless. About five cops showed up and eventually the man who was having a fit on the floor of Burger King was being questioned. He looked a bit sleezy. Around this time two of the people from the fight came over and were talking to the cops then went off with them in a van. The sleezies stick together I guess.

After going to the movies two nights in a row, Danielle and I have had the “Let’s all go to the lobby…” song Coke commercial/pre movie courtesy check stuck in our heads. Want it stuck in yours, you can replace “lobby” with countless phrases:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ9pqxP1EmI

Sunday was the day for crepes from Lemon. Egg and cheese crepe. Also, let it be known Danielle did not finish her meal, but I did finish it for her. Role reversal. The hurling match was great. A really cute old man kept checking on us to make sure we weren’t getting rained on and letting us know we could move back. I stupidly didn’t look up anything about hurling before the match. Watching the minor final first helped me pick up a bit of the rules, etc. The senior final was great to watch. Much prefer this kind of sport to a basketball or baseball or American football.

Hurling was followed by Beshoff’s where we made a mess with salt and vinegar while trying to make the mediocre hot chips taste better. McDonald’s was good for a Crunchie McFlurry before heading home.

It’s Monday now? Well, now it’s Tuesday because my internet wasn’t working last night. That’s strange. Sunday night I read about Parnell (and watched the House Bunny) and yesterday we went to Parnell’s house. Also, we had lunch at Powerscort. Two good things: I had a delicious scone. And I always find it enjoyable to revisit somewhere I have visited before. Last year when we were in Dublin we took a little afternoon trip to the Powerscort Gardens and I had lunch overlooking the very same place.

Danielle and I went back to a really great bookstore yesterday and managed to talk ourselves out of buying anything. We sorta have a light weight limit for the Paris leg of the trip. However, we did get a good portion of tomorrow’s article read. I also had a large soya cappucino. The cup was just huge and inviting and the cocoa powder in the shape of coffee beans lured me in. I’ve been paying for that large choice since then. Bewley’s became the choice for dinner. Danielle finished her cheese pizza before I ate two slices of mine. However, mine being a lamb/feta/tzatziki sauce/rocket pizza made for a much harder to eat pizza. Also, I was enjoying the fact that two cute guys sat down in front of me to my right, so I had to be somewhat graceful in the way I ate my messy food.

Today we headed into Northern Ireland for the Ulster American Folk Park, which focused on Irish emigration from Ulster to the US. The most interesting of the places we’ve visitied. The early rise and the long bus ride were a little less enjoyable. However, I did get to listen to a few Hamish and Andy podcasts, a Status podcast, and some good playlists… while daydreaming and dozing off randomly. There were green fields all around on the drive and that was delightful as well.

Sarah’s here now though. We at dinner at Bad Ass followed by Queen of Tarts for dessert. Oh so good.

What am I learning?
I’m just as selfish as I was as a fat child who didn’t like to share M&Ms. My sister used to tell me the M&M factory was not going out of business and it was okay if I let her have some, but in a more forceful way probably. I still have some of that in me. I know what it’s like to be generous and I have a mother who has been nothing but generous to me and countless people who could testify this very fact. But I know full well what it’s like for people to take advantage of that generosity, and I’m therefore constantly trying to find a balance of trusting but trusting wisely. Sometimes, I just don’t want to be giving or lending (not just money) to those people who seems to barely take care of their own things, far less borrowed things. Oh humans. Oh me.

Yesterday’s article was about Irish emmigration. Despite it being a longer article, I enjoyed it and thought it was pretty interesting. Kids were growing up in Ireland to prepare to leave, not just during the famine either. I hadn’t thought of Ireland in that way. “At least eight million men, women, and children emigrated between 1801 and 1921, a number equal to the entire Irish population at its peak, just before the Great Famine.” It was nice to discuss the article with Danielle over last night’s dinner.2

I’d also like to be learning what you do after eye contact with a man. So far, I’ve had Rana the middle aged man from the plane ask for my number and some guy walk alongside me with his umbrella and try to sweet talk it. But when it comes to guys I find attractive, I’m lost on how to act in flirtatious way? That sounds more along the lines of what I’m not trying to get across. Some days I don’t care and figure if something’s ever going to happen, it’s just going to have to take the man stepping the hell up to make it happen. Hm, you know, I think I’ll stick with that. I’m no good at playing games with people anyways.

Sorry this is long, Memory. But that’s what happens when you forgoet to remind me to update regularly. Then I sit down and wonder “What is it that I’ve been doing?”. And I know what I’ve been eating because there’s photo documentation of all of that. But what have I been doing? What have I been thinking and learning? Who else have I added to the bus? More on that bus later.

I’m Learning: Four

Dear Memory,

Today, July 3, 2009, was one of the best days. I got a blister on the top of my foot from my Rainbows’ strap by the end of it, and it was still good.

Danielle and I picked up a bagel and drink for the €5 deal at Bagel Factory. We ate our lunch on some grass in St. Stephen’s Green. There were fat pigeons and cute kids running through them. And sometimes business men in nice clothes walked by and I watched. We enjoyed this after I accidentally went the opposite way of Queen of Tarts. But things work out sometimes.

We picked up a few postcards and whatnot at a touristy shop on our way to Queen of Tarts. Take away is always cheaper, and that was an added plus when we picked up our chocolate scones. I didn’t really know where to find the right bus, so we wandered in the general direction of Phoenix Park. We found the bus stop but then we found a little book stall. I bought a book called “You Are What You Shite”. This book called out to me. Though it would have been a good book to buy if I wanted to flirt with the man selling it, luckily I just wanted directions. He said something like this:

“Yeah. You know the river Liffey? Well, turn right out of here and you’ll run into it. Take a left and follow that down till you see the big train station. You know, the main train station down there? Anyways, cross the bridge when you get to the train station and you’ll see a hill. Go over the hill and you’ll come up to the park. There’s heaps of entrances. It’s a huge park. Oh, it’s a 30 minute or so walk. I don’t really know about the bus.”

I sorta tuned him out thinking I just wanted to know which bus to take from here, but thank God I remembered what he actually said somehow. We decided to walk and we successfully made it to Phoenix Park. It’s a huge and beautiful park. We sat ourselves on the grass by the Wellington Monument. It wasn’t very busy, but there was enough people to make it fun to look around. I wrote out 8 postcards for some lovely friends in Florida. The 8 that gave me their addresses that is. I remember when I hated writing out personal notes or cards of anykind. I still found the postcards difficult at first.

We saw a boy get arrested and then let go. We watched a man zoom his remote controlled truck around. We watched countless men take off their shirt and lie down. We watched a cute dog fetch a stick. We watched people kick a soccer ball around. We watched a guy walk in with a Starbucks cup, sit down and have a phone coversation, then leave. We watched a guy pee by the fence. We watched people watch people. We laid down and relaxed for a bit. It was fantastic.

We did a lot of walking and decided to take the bus back to O’Connell St. Thankfully, the mall was still open and we were able to get the candy we were so excited about having for the movie. I had never seen any previews for Public Enemies but boy did I enjoy it. Johnny looked really good. These kind of things make me think I’m going to have to wait awhile to get married because I like the older men. Or I’ll just marry an older man while I’m young. Or I’ll go back to normal tomorrow. Probably the latter.

After the movie it was fuh-reezing outside. Which may have been made worse by the fact that I was so cold in the theatre. Which was huge by the way, and it had curtains that opened and closed. I felt like I was about to see a play, not a movie.

Kathleen and Rachel were downstairs when we got home. They told us how Julio got left behind on the way to the Guinness Factory and Rachel told us about this crazy story involving a man trying to break a seagull’s neck on the sidewalk.

I’m in my room now and I’ve finally showered and readied for bed. I’m going to sleep in and enjoy it. Tomorrow we will eat some more good food and read some more articles for class.

What did I learn today? I learned that it truly does do some good to get out into the fresh air and lay in a green field. And that Johnny Depp is cute. I learned some other things from that book I bought, but you probably don’t want to know about that.

Enjoy life.

I’m Learning: Three

I entered “‘falafels’ ‘dublin’” into Google and the 5th thing to come up was a blog post of mine: Falafels, Magnums, Business Attire… oh my!
That says something.

Yesterday was frustrating. I found myself hating Herlihy and his lack of planning skills and how unpleasant he is. However, I enjoyed “reading” the articles with some other folks last night. I only read one though, and it was the short one. Mostly it was just sitting in the room while others read. And laughing after Julio came in fuming about the Her and the staring incident. However, I did pass both quizzes today… though I did put true for all of them and hoped for the best.

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from too much talking. It’s nice to watch and obvserve others. And laugh.

I think I fell in love in my dream last night. Or rather, someone fell in love with me. Wishing I could remember details.

I’ve lived in Florida my entire life and lived through several hurricanes and countless thunderstorms, but I have never been so frightened by thunder. A storm came rolling through this morning around 4 and got my heart pounding right away. I swear the lightning struck right outside my window. Seriously scared me. The loudest crack of thunder.

Got on a bus at 7 this morning. Famine and country life museums and 7 or 8 hours of bus time. Too much bus time. Such a long day. So glad to be in bed again.

Danielle and I have had a Magnum a day for the past three days.

I’ve realized how much I still classify all skinny/pretty/etc people into a category that I don’t fit into. Eventually I talk to them and realize that I can be friends with them too. Or I talk to them and realize I’ve just placed them in this box that in my mind is better or more aesthetically pleasing than I can be. This happens often. I feel I reverted to someone else part of the time I’ve been around other people here. Also, I’ve been preferring to just be relaxing and chilled. In general, I’m me… Plus I’m reading Love again and that makes you want to be you.

Tomorrow I can sleep in. And that is wonderful. The plans for tomorrow include Public Enemies with a bag of candy, maybe Queen of Tarts and Phoenix Park. We shall see.

Friends, I miss you.

I’m Learning: Two

Today I am reminded how much I need to work on my view of drinking and people who drink.

At this stage, I easily look down upon anyone who drinks. Mostly just those who go overboard.

Say the word “pregaming” and you’ve lost all intelligence in my book. At least for the moment. “I just wanna get wasted tonight” would be in the same category.

I am pretty positive my drinking views are based on my father, and possibly my Uncle. That seems pretty obvious though. Also, on the immature kids in my highschool… and the large amount of kids in Deland who simply drink, do drugs, and have sex and don’t do much of anything else with their lives. (Yes, I’m making generalizations.) I just associate drugs and alcohol with idiots. I think that’s mostly it.

But, regardless, I shouldn’t judge. And there is nothing wrong with drinking, it’s the getting drunk I can have a problem with, sure, but not simply having some wine or a beer.

People have their issues, and this is one of mine. I’ve addressed it, now here’s to figuring it out and redeeming it.

At first, I considered going out and drinking while here in Dublin. Then I figured it may be better to take a different approach. I’m going to stick to another approach.
Oh goodness.

Bewely’s was delicious. The Avoca cafe too. Bought a few things on sale at H&M. Ate Indian leftovers for dinner.

I also learned:
That I can only take heels in small doses.
That I can take the 14 bus, not just the 14a bus back.
That there are indeed cute men in Dublin.
That I still love a good suit… Especially pin striped.

AND that we are approved for the house. Kacie, Lori, and I move the last week of July. I am beyond excited. So relieved it went through. AND SO EXCITED.

I’m Learning: One

The trip here was interesting and amusing.

Blue eyes in Philly airport.
Forget “Snakes On A Plane” try “Children On A Plane”. The devil’s kids were sitting behind me. The adopted parents were doing nothing to control them either.
The flight from Philly to Birmingham didn’t have individual TVs and the movie they showed was “Race To Witch Mountain”. Danielle and I laughed… and could only watch about 5 minutes of the movie.
The Indian man on the other side of Danielle chatted to us for awhile during and after breakfast. He also told us we should stay in Birmingham for two days and party with him and his family. The Indians know how to party and there would be good food… tempting, but not enough. Then, he found us after baggage and asked for our number. I must get better at saying “no”.
Black suit, badass boy who stood behind us in the check-in line in Orlando was also one of three people left waiting on luggage in Birmingham. He was going to Scotland though.
Our taxi driver to the dorm was a history buff and taught us a lot of information in the first 20 minutes. Then he went on about how much he loved Orlando and the theme parks. He was fun.

I finished “Holy the Firm” by Annie Dillard on the planes. I will probably read it again, she is delightful. I started “Love” by Buscaglia again on the 3rd flight. He mentions at one point in the Forward to Love that when he was a child his father would not let him or his sister leave the table without telling him something knew they had learned. They’d be washing up for dinner and realize they hadn’t learned anything, so they’d open the encyclopedia and find something like “The population of Iran is one million…”. And while as a child it was a mundane task, he said that even now no matter how tired he is before he goes to sleep he’ll ask himself “Felice, old boy, what did you learn new today?” And if he can’t think of anything he’ll open up a book and find something.

I thought that was beautiful. And it’s making me more observant. I could learn hundreds of things a day, especially being in a different country, but I could also let them easily slip right by. And so I’m observing and listening. And before I go fall asleep, I want to know that I learned something that day and can still remember it that night. So if I can get one or two or three things out of a day, it will be okay. And I’m not going to limit myself to facts, experiential knowledge and random comical things will make their appearance.

Last night I learned that our professor is late and also doesn’t know his way to Johnnie Fox’s pub. I learned that the hour and 20 minutes it took him to get the first load of us there should have taken 15-20 minutes.
I also learned from our taxi driver that Michael Collins started guerilla warfare… apparently.
I was reminded that people are so different. And that many people are actually accepting.

Yesterday Danielle and I wandered around the city. We had chocolate chip scones at Queen of Tarts, we watched the rather long pride week parade from our seats at Queen of Tarts, we found the Temple Bar book market and the ginger bearded man who flirted with Danielle last year, we found Topshop, and we finally found the 14A bus. It’s fun to come back and remember things. And it’s fun to sleep for almost 12 hours.

Another

You were so excited to leave for two months. People grew ill back home. A boy was calling your name from afar.
One-point-five months into it,
you wanted to return. To the comfort? To the attention?
Sure. But not to the ill. (How unavoidable).

You haven’t begun a journey. Don’t dare look forward to the return, which in itself will be a journey… Isn’t life one big journey? One big adventure?

Leaving, however strange it is (considering there is so much of our hometowns that are new to us), will give you a new perspective. It will give you room to think, to read, to refresh…
to change,
without them watching every move.
Without you thinking they’re thinking you’re doing this now to impress them,
to gain their acceptance.

Don’t think for others anymore.
More often than not,
you are not at the forefront of their minds.

Talking to you all day yesterday and preparing for a month of adventure have brought me back to May 2005.
How I’ve changed. How I’ve learned this will all still be here when I return. How glad I am to have grown in those four years. The good, the bad, the depressing, the beautiful moments… They’re not going to stay here while I go. They’re in my mind, they’re written in journals and hidden in my dreams.
This month: I want to hold onto the good and let go of the bad (how many times have I said that before?). I can’t let go of the bad, I can’t leave it out because it’s part of the good… and it’s all part of me.

True?

I’m gonna get to know myself all over again (it’s good to reacquaint yourself with yourself). What I like, what I don’t like – not to be swayed by what you like and don’t like when sitting across from you or him. I’m gonna eat some scones and read of Love the way Leo Buscaglia beautifully talks of it. I’m gonna let the drizzly rain touch me without getting frustrated. I’m gonna read of the one I Love and hold onto to it firmly from here on out (like I’ve said so many times). I’m gonna meet new people and learn to be okay with drinking and figure out how to get over looking down on people who do it. I’m gonna think about talking to you again, but I’m not going to let it get me down. I’m gonna “go big or go home”.

Here’s to doing what you’ve been putting off and what you’re afraid of.
Here’s to growing and becoming someone you yourself can love.
Here’s to loving yourself (as Oscar said, “it’s the beginning of a lifelong romance”).
Here’s to loving others… as a result of learning to love yourself (ps, read Blue Like Jazz again or for the first time and focus on the section that talks of learning to love your neighbor as yourself. You must love yourself first in order to love your neighbor.. or else how are you loving your neighbor as yourself? Read it. Think about it. Let it change you.)
Here’s to another adventure in another land.
And here’s to a whole lot of really good food.

Beyond Hope

Years ago I quoted song lyrics along the lines of “the bravest thing I have is hope”.
All we can do is hope.
Hope is all we have.
I wrote it down: h o p e.

For so long all I had was hope. And for so long I put that hope that I had into every area of life. I put hope in people. I found hope in daydreams. I put hope in friendships. I put hope in the hands of a boy or two. Hope came out in the form of God’s promises flowing from the mouths of men. I found hope in music, in moves. I found hope in other’s words. I found hope in the distance between me and you. I found hope in the opposite of what I knew of love and family. I found hope in riding my bicycle and losing weight. I drank hope everyday in a cup of coffee, in an iced Clouds. I sent hope text messages and sometimes he replied. I sang of hope in Acer arena. Hope was in other’s strength. I found hope in verses. I saw hope fly across the world to help. Then I watched hope punch her in the face. I put hope in the Lord. I waited for renewed strength. I beat insecurities with hope. I beat hope up till it left me.

I lost hope in the middle of it all, numerous times.
I hoped. You came through. My hope was steady.
I hoped. Oh, you failed me. And my hope fled the scene.

It was always a shaky thing, my hope.

I stopped putting hope anywhere else but You. My security was no longer based on whether or not he called me back or whether or not things changed. My security came from something unchanging, but for the better. And while my security is still in You…

…these days, I shake my head when I hear talk of hope. My mind falls back to a place and time where hope was all I had, whether it in people or in God.

I trust God these days. I trust that he’s got things under control. If I start to think to much about the little things, I get panicky. So I give them up. I know that after a certain point things are out of my control. So I trust God. I trust He’s watching, I trust He’s there. I’m not so certain I hope much anymore. I trust. But hoping seems more proactive on my part, and I don’t think I can do too much of it at the moment.
They’re very similar, trust and hope. But in my mind right now they’ve got their differences.

I can trust that You know me, that You are watching out for me, that You are in control of all things.
But I can’t hope that You will love me, I can’t hope that You will heal him, I can’t hope that tomorrow will be good.

I don’t want to be let down. Just not now.

Hope is positive. You don’t go around hoping for a tornado or hoping for someone to get cancer or hope that you can fall in love to break up. Trust is trust. I trust that you are in control. You can turn things negatively or you can turn them positively. But the trust stands. If my expecations weren’t tied to hope, anything is okay.

This is just how my mind is viewing these things right now.

There’s a speck of hope I hold onto. There’s a picture of You I can’t get rid of. A Father in love with his beautiful daughter. A strong, lovely woman you take a second look at.

There’s a speck of hope tied closely to love that hasn’t died.
(and the greatest of these is: love)
But this world may kill it.

Shellfish?

I’ve lost interest in many people/things recently. Or I never really had interest in those people/things and I’m admitting it or living it now. The latter is mostly in relation to things more so than people. Admitting you like or don’t like something gives people reasons to like or not like you. That’s how we are. That’s probably how I am. Which makes some sense, because if we don’t like some of the same things, then what are we going to do? (I’m also not saying we should all like/dislike the same things… we’re all made up of “such beautiful, specific details”… we need our differences… without them what do we have?)

I’ve felt selfish lately. I’ve been choosy with my time. Why not? Who said that had to make you a selfish bitch? Exactly. Why spend your time with people you’re not going to be fully present with? Why waste your time or theirs? Why hang out with someone then leave and feel worse?

Why? Why? Why?

Because you don’t want to come across as a snobby girl who’s too cool for everyone else when in reality you feel like quite the opposite.

I guess I’ve just been more selfish than usual lately. Yet, I’m okay with what I’ve been selfish with.

 

Anyways, Castledoor and United have been my main listens lately. Yesterday and today was a lot of Castledoor:

try again when everybody’s laughing
try again, forget about the one’s who say you can’t
the only way to lose is quit
stop the train of thought that you’ve been thinking
learn to speak a language you believe in
clap your hands and wake up in a childhood dream

there’s still a piece of me that’s holding on
i can feel it in my bones
i’d let the anchor drop if it felt wrong
but i would rather loose control
there’s really nothing left to do but shout