I’m really not sure of anything these days

I’m looking at places to rent upon this lease ending this fall. I didn’t think I’d start this search so soon. But the end has come sooner than expected… and at last, I’m not sure how much longer I will be here.

I can predict some things. I can just see things coming in unexpected ways.
I can’t predict movies, I’m horrible at calling what’s going to happen next. And I often can’t tell how you feel about me.
I don’t say something’s going to happen for fear it won’t, and I will look the fool.
But if it’s something bad that you’re predicting, well, people will just tell you, “No, I’m sure it’s not that” and let you go on your cheery way. Then, if it isn’t actually something bad, you don’t look a fool. It’s a celebratory time. Because instead of bad, good was had. Plus, it helps to keep from getting your hopes up. But if your prediction of a bad event turns out to be true, then people will feel sorry for you, or help you. I’m not sure where I’m going with any of this…
My hope is fine. My trust is fine. That wasn’t the point. I can’t predict most things, but I saw this on its way.

As of the end of the month, I’m alone here. What do I do now?
If you know of anyone wanting to live in the UCF area- I have a super cheap room available. Send them my way.

I’m wondering if I want to stay or study abroad. I’m wondering how far in advance I can really plan my life. I can make all the plans I want… and tomorrow could change every single one of them. But no plans, well that’s irresponsible. Where’s the balance? What’s the point? Do I make plans and hope others stick to them? Do I make plans alone?

I know it’s all under control… not my control, but it’s under control.

A gathering by the lake at 6:30 this morning was beautiful. And needed. Oh, so thankful for that.

How I’m to react, I’m not quite sure.
I’m calm. Then I’m freaking out. I’m calm on the outside, but freaking out on the outside. I’m at peace. I’m on the verge of tears, then I wonder why. I’m excited. I’m hopeful. I’m unsure of how I am.
Oh, keep me constant.

I’m alright. I’m excited more than afraid. Everything is going to be alright. I’m just not really sure what to do now…
 

You are the author of knowledge
You can redeem what’s been done
You hold the present and all that’s to come
Lord, I don’t know where all this is going
or how it all works out
lead me to peace that is past understanding
a peace beyond all doubt
You are the God of tomorrow
turning the darkness to dawn
lifting the hopeless with hope to go on

Rise Up

First side note: the whole family was at the house in Deland yesterday. It was actually quite a fun day. Ice cream taste testing with Craig and Annabelle. A delicious roasted lamb, roasted vegetables, and mashed potatoes for dinner thanks to Charles. Jumping on the bed with Yasmin and Sarah. Almost napping… For a ton of cute photos of my niece and nephew, check the facebook.

Onto other things…

I’ve been, for lack of a better word, silly lately. In the midst of enjoying the beauty of life and soaking up good times and adventures while on break from school, I have been forgetting things, important things.
My mind. My thinking. It took a regression. To an immature state.
When it should be something else. So much more.

So I am reminding myself who I am…

I am listening to and reading life giving things.

Respond with the ability I do have
and live in the realm of responsibitly.
Face my inadequacy and focus on my responsibility.

This is perhaps where I’ve been struggling the most as of late. Why I don’t read through old notes and listen to sermons more doesn’t make sense. I was struggling because I was forgetting. When I read through notes from past conferences, etc and listen to sermons I am reminded…
I need to remind myself daily:

I will never look strong by making others look weak.
We are here to celebrate each other. Speaking strength to our own and each others weaknesses.
Never use your strength to point out other’s weakness.

Move on quickly rather than going over it and talking about it to everyone. Don’t allow offences to hold you.

I feel I’ve begun to talk too much. I forget it is alright, and sometimes nice to sit in silence. There is no need or point in talking about someone else in a negative way. There is certainly no need to create something out of nothing… I am unfortunately good at that.
Be strong and confident in who I am, and stop focusing on what I am not. All the while appreciating the strengths and confidence in those around me.
After all, we’re in this together.

 

All she gave off was g r a c e, h u m i l i t y, and p e a c e…

Tuesday… Is It Wednesday Already?

My nose started dripping last night. It was only a little bit when I first got to Coffee Cafe around 3. But by the time I returned around 9:30 after Indian food, dessert, and Ross it was more constant. I think the loud table (by loud I mean they were playing Cranium and actually getting up at times to act things out and yelling, lots of yelling… CC just isn’t the place for that)…. Anyways, I think they thought I was crying a couple of times. I wasn’t at all actually. I would just sneeze, causing my eyes to water. Then I would sniff, inevitably, and I’m pretty sure I got a sympathetic look at least once.

As I left Coffee Cafe a few minutes before their closing time of 11, I remembered how much I love that life. The life of “living” out of coffee shops. Seeing friends come in and out. Seeing regulars you don’t talk to but give a nod to. Seeing regulars you have become friends with. Seeing Christian, the guy you gave the weather forcast to, dampening his beach trip. Drinking Sense of Peace tea, a large for just $1.87. I’d go there everyday again if I could.

The dripping continued until I fell asleep and hopefully it dripped inward and not out. I woke up around 3 or maybe 4 after having the worst dream I’ve had in years. I actually almost called someone. It did not leave me feeling happy or safe.

It’s Wednesday now. I’m sitting at a bar window seat at the Barnie’s in Waterford. I would still be sleeping, I’d like to still be sleeping really. Especially now that I took a sinus pill. But I’m here, drinking a green passion tea with lots of honey.
Lightning annoyingly struck out our A/C and Internet on Friday afternoon. Carlos, our maintenance guy, had to order a whole new A/C, which he should hopefully be installing today. And Brighthouse is finally coming today to fix the internet. So here I am at Barnie’s. With no outlet to plug my computer into. WIth squinty, watery eyes. With a sniffle. BUT with A/C and Internet.

I had Indian food last night… Fianally! More about that later… In a whole new blog. Finally created a blog devoted to food. It was only a matter of time. It’s fresh and not quite up to par, but here it is: divulgence.wordpress.com

Falling In Love (With) A Coffee Shop

One day, I will choose where I live based on a quality local coffee shop.

It’s that important.

Until then, I will await the opening of Boston Gourmet around the corner from where I reside now. And enjoy its greatness in my remaining days in apartment 81.

Turn

She was going weeks without thinking about it.
“Okay”, she said, “maybe not weeks, but days. Definitely days.”

Sure, it’d come to her mind, but usually it’d leave just as quick. It was there, but… she couldn’t see it. Out of mind, out of sight.. right?

We all know we cannot run away from our problems… Not an hour away, not across the world. She’s being reminded of that daily lately.

She thought she was free from it.
     As though you could be “free” from “it”.
She thought she was okay with it.
     As though you could really be “okay” with “it”.
She thought she was far enough away it.
     As though you could be “far enough” away from “it”.

These days her mind wanders back to “it” more often, too often.

Spiritualize this, spiritualize that.
It’s life people… She kept saying, “It’s life. It’s life. It’s life… life… life. It’s natural… life… and death.”
But she never understood the slow deterioratin. Even she didn’t understand this “life”, this “natural” process, or why people die the way they do. But she could spit those words out and still keep a strait face, maybe even sound strong, or that’s how she thought she came across.

you said you’re scared, but I’ll catch you If you fall,
don’t fear, I’m right here

She often times couldn’t find You.
She wondered where You were…
“Where were You when I rounded the corner on that morning?”
She knows You were there. Deep down, so far down that she sometimes finds it hard to believe it, but somehow she does.
She knows Your heart ached.
She knows. We all know.
But she wants to feel You… She wants to be where You are.
She is at the end of her rope… She fell quite awhile ago, actually.
Naturally…

Naturally… Spiritually

She’s out of 
words.
She’s out of
friends to talk to.
She’s out of
shoulders to cry on.

She can’t rely on
a good song to keep her joy up.
She can’t rely on
funny thoughts to keep her from crying.

This is too real for that.

She has to rely on
You.
She has to rely on
Love.
She has to rely on
Grace.

Mercy that is ne every morning.

She has to rely on what she has forgotten.
She has to stop thinking… Oh, how good would it be if she could forget it all?
Like You do…

 

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of Earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace

Mornings…

I woke up to my first alarm at 7:30. However, I do not actually remember waking up and tapping “snooze” on my phone. My body just knows what to do in the mornings without my brain really having to wake up and tell it. I do remember my alarm going off a second time. This time my brain was functioning and telling my body to “turn that freaking thing off already”. It may have been going for a minute or two, sorry roommate.

The morning routine went on as usual, something like this:
Shower. Get half dressed. Start coffee. Prepare breakfast. Update iPod with newest Hamish and Andy podcast. Eat breakfast and coffee while reading/browsing. Put mousse in my hair. Wash my hands an unnecessary amount of times in between all steps. Prepare lunch. Brush teeth. Get dressed all the way. Debate if I need to bring Padmore or not (laptop, not Gran’s gardener)… The usual.

Somewhere in between brushing my teeth and getting dressed all the way an explosion occurred. No, not that kind of of explosion. I know, I’ve caused people to assume the worst from me. This was a much more unexpected explosion.

I felt good in today’s outfit, there was really no need to add anything to my face. Just some earrings and a watch, I mean, it’s not like I haven’t worn this combination before. Maybe it was because I glanced through Nylon while watching House last night. Or maybe it’s because my make-up is just chilling there on my dressing feeling neglected. For whatever reason, I began chucking a few things into a small bag that was already in my purse, and holding an eye liner and lip gloss. I did this because I knew I didn’t have time to really doll up my face at that moment. I wanted to be at work by or before 9:30. I thought I’d throw a little concealer in there, because I like to be prepared. Unfortunately, the concealer was not happy with me. Maybe it’s because I got it almost three years ago in Canada and have yet to finish it. Maybe my little MAC concealer which is probably not even the right shade for me anymore was really trying to protect me. The little guy wanted to be thrown away, he was too old to do his job. Unfortunately, he decided to throw a tantrum rather than ask nicely to be laid to rest.
I picked him up. It looked like he had sort of settled to one side. I thought I’d try to mix him around a bit, see if he was worth adding to my little bag of tricks. I didn’t even squeeze him that hard, I just wanted to mix him up. That’s when it happened. All the pent up rage and anger toward me was let out. Just below the cap, his plastic shell cracked open, and all of his concealer guts sprayed everywhere. My hand, my poor bra, my arm, my dresser, the freaking floor. You deserved to die my little concealer. Have fun in the toilet garbage can, sucka.

Television and Movies

Favorite television show (thank you TV on DVD) as of late: House
People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care.

A fantastic movie recently watched: Eagle Vs. Shark
Life is full of hard bits, I think. But in between the hard bits are some really lovely bits.

Are You Okay?

Sometimes you forget that it is okay to be honest when replying to that question. And that sometimes, you’re really not okay.

But… I mean… Life is lovely. These past few days, even these past few hours have been great. I have some top notch friends. A God I am in love with…

No, no. I know all of that. 
But are you alright?
Are you okay?
I’m not asking in passing. I’m not asking to be polite… I’m asking because I want to know… and I’m ready to listen.

Then,
no…
and I’m ready to talk.

Spoken Offhandedly During Lecture

The romanticized idea doesn’t always blend well with the reality of it all.
-Professor Matejowsky

Three More Days

Dear Thursday at about 6:30pm,

Please hurry up and get here already. And come with a burrito pretty please. A Moo Moo Mr. Cow from Moe’s with rice, chicken, cheese, lettuce, black olives, and sour cream (even though it’s extra) to be exact. Queso doesn’t hurt. Diet Coke? Yes, please; you know me so well.

Yours if you want,
Rads