Thoughts and Questions

Phil Wickham led worship at Status last night. Sometimes, in those sorts of situations, I close my eyes and picture places I’ve been standing in worship and have felt something… But it’s not good to look back, what happened then is not helping me now. Right? No matter, Phil did a wonderful job.

I’m just going to be honest here, I usually am, but I felt the need to let you know that the following is what’s been on my mind. Obviously, as I didn’t read someone else’s mind and write this for them. Or did I?

Anyways. This all may or may not make any sense.

I am not sure if it is just due to “that time of the month” or what, but I have been feeling rather down these past few days. It comes in waves, not all day. Mostly when sitting in my apartment watching worthless things, wishing to hang out with someone, or thinking too much in general.
I felt incredibly alone yesterday. Which doesn’t add up. I know “you’re never alone”. I know I have great friends around the place. I have been feeling empty. Maybe useless?

Now this isn’t some pity party or call for you to tell me I’m not worthless or alone. I know, but it’s a feeling… and the feeling will pass. I’m just… a little confused.

A couple weeks ago I realized that nothing I had done seemed to better my relationship with the good Lord. I had tried all I knew. I had retried all I’d been taught, all I’d been shown. I wondered what others feel. I wondered what others who are like me do? How is their relationship? I know it’s none of my business, but I’m desperate for something more right now. I’m desperate for advice and wisdom. I know people, who are very different to me, and their relationship is as real as it gets, but I don’t feel it is in any way how mine would look. Or does look. Or has looked. What would mine look like? What does mine look like? What has mine looked like?

It looks like this: It’s lacking. It’s mostly a Sunday night thing. I try to think otherwise, but I’m not sure I can convince myself of the opposite. I try, but I let it go. And grace is there, so I try again. Just a cycle it seems. I connect in worship those Sunday nights and throughout the week. I pray randomly. I still don’t read the Bible every day. I rarely even listen to the tons of sermons I have on my iPod. Minus the worship music I sing along to in the car and on Sunday nights… what else is this thing of mine based on? I don’t really have any friends that I talk to about this most important relationship, that I can look to for advice, or ask them questions. And thus, I feel alone and empty on a Saturday night and Sunday afternoon… and Monday. Though, thankfully, because things change and I realize even now, I feel like I am starting to have people around who I can talk to about this stuff. It may not have been part of the conversation yet, but just you wait and see.

I know faith is the basis. I know that even when you may not feel it or see it, you have faith that it is or it will be. I know if we hope in the Lord, He will renew our strength. But when does this faith turn real and this hope become felt? When does your father get healed or pass on? When do those friendships and relationships you need fall into line? When do you know what to do next? When?

So a couple weeks ago I tagged along to volunteer at Status. I had put this off probably since January when I first thought about it. I finally went with my roommate to help out. It was that night I knew nothing I had done was going to help me anymore. I had to do something different, something that was not comfortable and easy. So I volunteered. Woke up at 5 and went to a prayer meeting by a lake. Hung out with new friends and made new friends. New things and whatnot.

As I’m getting all of this out of my brain for the first time, I realize that it is in progress… that things are in fact changing. That things are moving forward.

I’ve realized something about myself. The most random, sometimes far from comfortable things for me make me feel the best about myself, make me feel most alive. For me those things are waking up early to go pray with people I don’t know well. Or going over to some new friends’ house to watch a movie and meeting new people there. Or chatting to random people at a coffee shop on a rainy Wednesday evening. Or cooking at home. Or Tijuana Flats with co-worker/interns after Status. Or walking through Thornton Park with a cooler in tow on the way to Home Sweet Homeless. Or going to try new food with the restaurant club (man, we need a name). Or going on a bike ride. Or making pancakes, eggs, and veggie sausage for friends. Or hearing the cutest voicemail from my niece via my sister. Or dressing better for work.

Sometimes I forget different things make different people come alive. And it’s okay. It’s not lame or dull that a chat at the bar of a coffee shop while drinking an iced coffee makes me feel good. What makes you feel alive/confident/better?

Already, just getting this out of my mind. I just feel better. Relieved.
We all have slumps. Many of us become apathetic about relationships, school, work, love, etc. But then we pick ourselves back up and press forward. We go back to doing whatever it is that makes us feel alive, loved, confident, purposeful. Hope which was lost, stands renewed.

I’m working on it. Processing it. Today will not be like yesterday. Moving forward in all areas of life.
Trying, trying, trying.
Not giving up.
No, no.
Oh. Help. Me.

It’s a learning curve girl.

Tags: relationships