I had a playlist on shuffle (one of my one-hundred-and-something playlists) and Castledoor came on. I have this old show of theirs that was once on the internet saved on my computer. It’s at a church and is probably close to two years old (which is very odd to think… two years, phew).
I opened the video, fast forwarded to 1:04:48 and seconds later the drums started. My eyes closed, almost automatically, and my head just started moving (I was having a moment, I normally don’t bob my head around).
“I was stretching out the sail, you were already there… Cause you’re a lifesaver to me. I owe you big time baby! Your mouth to mouth helps me to breathe. I’m gonna wrap you up on this violent sea. I’m gonna hold you close, we should always be together.”
When I closed my eyes I found myself back in my old room in Deland (I know it’s “DeLand” but I cant’ stand it when people say “Dee-land” so I feel that helps to prevent it).
With the wood floors, and the white shutters and windows open. It was winter or early Spring. The breeze was pleasant and the floors were a bit chilly.
I probably had the space heater on low. My room always got the coldest.
A car would pass here and there, not much traffic in our area. I think traffic by Hontoon only occurs during the boat parade.
My room was full of light, yet there always seemed to be a ominous cloud over the house. A feeling no amount of light take away.
The cool blue/turquoise walls and lavender ceiling were conducive to the bright and cheery feel of my room in that moment.
And when the door was shut and music was loud, it was harder to hear the bitter man in the living room.
I was getting ready to go somewhere. I was always getting ready to go somewhere at that point. I was either sleeping or getting ready to leave. It’s all I could do. I had to save myself.
Sounds selfish, but you can’t help others if you’re dying on the inside.
It was hard to enjoy being home by then. Sometimes I wish the end wasn’t so depressing. I suppose if it hadn’t been I wouldn’t have been so desperate to get out. Escape the inevitable sadness that comes when you live in that sort of situation.
He always looks so sad.
But this song always cheered me up. Always put me in a good mood. Always made me dance around my room.
I miss those mirrored closet doors sometimes.
you’ll be given love
you’ll be taken care of
you’ll be given love
